As I prepare to leave for Brazil in less than a week, I am revisiting some journal entries that I had written in the past months in regards to God leading me to Brazil. I will post some of these entries in the next few days leading up to the trip to help give a glimpse of what God has been doing in my heart leading up to this ministry.
This time in Brazil will also be the culmination of my time at the University of Northern Iowa and it is classified as an internship where I will receive the final credits for graduation. Because of this, I had deadlines and requirements for my internship site and that proved to be a very faith building exercise for me.
The Backstory: In summer of 2010 I arrived in Brazil to serve with a ministry, but I wasn't allowed to enter the country after arriving in São Paulo because of a lack of proper documentation. I felt that I would be returning and the one picture I had of Brazil that stuck with me was that of looking out the airplane window and seeing a favela (slum).
While pursuing setting up an internship this past fall, I made much effort in being connected to the organization I was going to be with that summer. No doors were opening with that and I was beginning to get anxious as months had passed with no positive communication from their end.
On October 4th, 2010 I wrote,
“I am beginning to start double guessing on plans for spring internship. It has been trying and frustrating that I haven't been emailed and it has been over a month now. I also have seemed to have lost drive in studying Portuguese. I just want to know that I am step with God's leading and I keep 'yo-yo'ing.'
God, if You want me with that organization this spring, give me confirmation. If not, close that door and show me the open door You want me to enter. I want to rely on You fully for the selection, I put my trust in You.”
The frustrations continued the next day when I was unable to reach the organization by phone, with a recorded message saying the number was invalid even though I had reached them before by that number. I then began having increased thoughts of pursuing backup internship possibilities and two main ministries stood out to me: the camp I had worked at the past four summers and the highschool youth group I had served with the past three school years.
Then on that night of October 5th, while praying in a prairie reserve at UNI, I was seeking God as to an answer to what God had prepared for me for the spring.
“I then saw two planes in the night sky which appeared to be very close and appeared to be flying in the same direction. But after a little while I could see that they had gradually different angles of travel and began to veer away from each other, ultimately ending up in very different directions.
I felt God was telling me the importance of being faithful to the task He has given and the will He has for me. For all too easily, I could begin to ever so slightly take control and begin veering off. Starting with the decisions I make now, it could shape the rest of my life. But rather, I want God to be the sole shaper of my days.
Like the apostle Paul, I want my life to be summed up/explained by just saying 'by the will of God.' Not by my will, or anyone else's, but only 'by the will of God.'
This trusting is a scary place as the world says to forsake these 'foolish' ideas and think logically. And also every last ounce of me fights for something more clear, something I can grab a hold of and feel more secure in, instead of all these unknowns of what/where God is planning for me.
God, take the reins. Lead me to Your arms of peace, comfort, and rest. Show me more of You, that I may learn to trust You more.”
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